undefended

Contemplation is simply trying to face life in a truly undefended and open-eyed way.
- Gerald May

Though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil;
for You are with me.
- Psalm 23:4

If we choose to pay attention, there are many signs that will tell us our defenses have been raised: a tightness in the gut, a racing heart beat, narrowed vision, shallow breaths, tightened muscles. The warning signs that tell us it would be unwise to walk down a particular alleyway in the middle of the night are some of the same signals we get when someone we are talking to has just pressed our buttons or wounded our pride. We get ready to do what we must to defend ourselves and seek safety in the face of a perceived threat.

Other signs I've observed in myself in situations where I've grown defensive include feelings of impatience, a diminished capacity to listen openly and ask questions, along with a corresponding tendency to interrupt, preempt, and provide answers. In those moments when I have chosen to become thoroughly hooked, it can be exceedingly difficult to "face life in a truly undefended and open-eyed way."

The challenge to live with a contemplative presence - with open eyes to see, an open heart to love, an open mind to understand, and open hands to serve - lies not only in those moments when the hackles stand on end, however. There are also all those engagements and encounters in our daily round that we come to with just the slightest amount of caution and wariness, just enough to cause us to hedge our bets a bit, and perhaps greet someone with diminished receptivity.

We remember what they said last time we were together and how we felt frustrated or hurt. We recall something we heard second hand about this person that has now colored our impression of them. We assume that this meeting we're about to attend will be just like the last one. We want to be prepared for all contingencies so we enter a new experience with our mental notes and outlines at the ready and our expectations firmly in place. For some of us things get so twisted around that we even expend energy defending ourselves against ourselves: "I can't trust myself when I'm with those people," "I'm afraid of what I will say if I see her again," and so on.

In these and many other ways we live our well-defended lives.

A contemplative way of living is a risky way because it means a willingness to be exposed to life in all of its fullness. It means being willing to feel our own joy and our own pain in full. It means being willing to witness and be present to the pain of others, just as much as we are willing to witness and partake of their joy. It means knowing that on the deepest level of our existence, the pain and joy of the other is our own. In this awareness of unity, compassion grows.

Contemplative living honors this unity of life, and at the same time values its diversity of expression. Each moment and experience is a unique doorway into life, and each person we encounter - whether it is a spouse or friend we relate to for years, someone we are meeting for the first time, or an adversary we go out of our way to avoid - bears the bright spark of Life and has a profound capacity to receive and share love in ways no one else can. To live with this awareness is to live with curiosity and to be surprised by wonder on a regular basis.

My defenses reveal to me something about my fears and what I am choosing to cling to in life. It isn't helpful to get down on myself for such things or to somehow try and root these patterns out and destroy them, as if that were even possible. Our fears are dispelled and released only in the light of our loving attention which is, in the end, a part of the very Light of God's own being. In those moments we grow defensive it can be a powerful thing to simply pause long enough to be aware we are getting defensive. Sounds simple, but it is work - holy work! We notice it and we might ask ourselves a question as simple as it is transforming: "What is it I am trying to defend here?" Or even, "What am I afraid of in this moment?"

The light of such attention is essentially practicing the contemplative vision within our own being. By doing this we transform the way we see and live our way into the world.