wanted: true humility, not false privilege

I am white. I was born in the United States during the tumult of the late 1960s, and I'm now living into my 6th decade of life. I was born into affluence. I identify as male (my preferred pronouns: he/him/his) and heterosexual. I was raised in the Christian faith, and I'm now an ordained pastor serving as a chaplain in a faith-based institution and also as a spiritual director/companion to individuals on their diverse life journeys.

I grew up believing that humility sounded something like this:

Oh, what I'm going through really isn't really that bad. Yes, it's painful, but look how much worse they have it over there. I really don't have any right to complain.

That's such a nice thing to say, but I didn't do that much . . . and really, all the glory goes to God.

Aw shucks, really, it wasn't much of anything. I was just doing what I needed to do. Anyone else would've done the same thing. 

There are so many others who would be better at this than me. You really don't want me to do that.

I've never gone through what you've experienced, so I'm probably not the best one to help you with that. You need someone who's much better at this than I would be.

The primary place I heard such statements was in the church. This, I believed for a long time, is what faithful, Christ-like humility sounds like and looks like.

I've come to learn that these are not expressions of true humility at all. There is a lot that is problematic with these statements of what I would term "false humility," and here I want to identify just a couple of those things, and then welcome your reflections on other things you see and understand to be true.

First, notice how each statement above creates some sort of distancing in relationship. The words belie a disassociation of oneself from the experiences of the other, even though on the surface there may be an acknowledgement of someone else's perspective or pain. Each of these statements expresses a withdrawing from the other and even from the truth of one's own experience. Each statement sidesteps a more direct encounter with life and mutual relationship. I would add that this, by definition, means it also sidesteps a more direct encounter with the Divine.

Second, it has taken me a long time to perceive and understand how I was trained well to use such statements to draw attention to myself in ways that amplified my own privileged status in the church and in our society. I'm beginning to realize now that when I, as a white male, speak such statements, it actually has a way of causing people to give me greater attention and respond with affirming sentiments, such as:

Oh, you are being so modest, but really you are doing something quite remarkable!

No, no, we really do think you are the best person for this and we really want you to join us!

When I make such statements of false humility I am often considered more noble and good, especially in faith communities where such statements are mistaken for faithful modesty and true humility. Such forms of self-deprecation comes with little or no cost to me, and in many cases it actually enhances my privilege and my power.

It does not work that way for those who do not possess the same privilege and power I do by virtue of my skin color, gender and sexual orientation. This false notion of humility is one of the subtle ways the theological teachings and the culture of the North American church have nurtured the savage inequalities and enduring oppression of our society experienced by people of color, women, the LGBTQ community, the poor, and others.

For example, someone who faces the oppressive weight of racism every day, speaking any of the statements of "false humility" above, may likely be met with a response, either implicit or explicit, that communicates: yes, you're absolutely right.

Yes, you're right, there are those who have it worse than you, so you shouldn't complain.

Yes, the glory really doesn't belong to you, it does go to God.

That's nice, you did the right thing, and really anyone else should've or would've done the same.

There are others who might be better suited for this than you and who will fit in better anyway.

False humility only enhances the inequalities and injustices that hold lives, including the life of faith communities, in bondage. I am trying, and failing, and trying again to learn more, practice more, the ways of true humility. I believe it is one thing we are being called to as people who have been given unearned privileges at the expense of others.

Here are some of the things I'm learning about what true humility means for me, as someone who has lived with many false privileges. To be clear, I offer these as expressions of true humility specifically for those of us whose privilege and power has come at a cost borne by others. More specifically, I see these as important expressions of true humility that can be made by white men:

True humility for me is the recognition that I am here today thanks to burdens borne, prices paid, sacrifices made by others--sometimes unjustly. To use Maya Angelou's words above, "I've been paid for" in some particularly painful, violent and unjust ways as a white man living in the United States of America. The privileges I've been given in this life are not my inalienable right, and, for the most part, they are not what I have earned via my own efforts. I must be willing to live my life in such a way that I am willing to make sacrifices for others, to "pay for" the well being of those who will follow after me.

True humility is shifting my story away from the center, and centering the voices and stories of those who have been on the margins of my awareness and my realms of experience. It will mean listening first and speaking second. It will mean allowing myself to be led by those who've not been permitted to lead, and being willing to follow the voices of oppressed peoples to places that will very likely be uncomfortable and disturbing to me, trusting that I need these sisters and brothers to lead me to deeper health and wholeness, and more expanded experiences of community. 

True humility means accepting that my own growth and well-being will involve not only an identifying of the privileges I've taken for granted, it must also involve a divestment of these privileges. This may include declining certain leadership roles in order to make room for marginalized voices. It will include using the access to channels of power and authority that I have been given to advocate for the oppressed and those on the margins. It will mean encouraging my white brothers and sisters to keep on learning, growing and transforming. It means remembering that I will always have more room to learn and grow--this is a lifelong commitment.

True humility means growing in the understanding that I become more fully and truly myself when I am supporting each and every person around me in doing the same, and prioritizing in my support those who have suffered most acutely. This is, I sense, what Fr. Gustavo Gutierrez, in his book A Theology of Liberation (1971), described as having "a preferential option" for the oppressed. I concur with Gutierrez' conclusion that such a preferential option lies at the heart of biblical scriptures and at the heart of Christian discipleship. A preferential option for the oppressed is reflected in the important statement of priority that is proclaimed at this historic moment: "Black Lives Matter."

True humility is ultimately not about individuality, it is about community. True humility is about becoming more truthfully myself, yes, and in doing so, discovering the deepest, inseparable connection and mysterious unity I share in with all. I think of the literal meaning of the word humility: "of the earth," or "of the soil." Humility means to be brought down to the rich, messy soil of our lives and to know that we live on shared ground with one another and with all that has life and breath, all that exists.

True humility [for white peacemakers and allies] is . . .
[What would you add here? Feel free to post your thoughts in the comment section below.]

 God has shown you, O mortal one,
what is good and what is required of you:
to act justly, and to love mercy, 
and to walk humbly with your God.

MICAH 6:8